The Ballad of Cecil the Lion
By David Shirreff
One day out on safari
I needed dental care
They told me: “Try old Walter
In that shed over there.”
The shed was dark and gloomy
With a dusty dental chair,
The eye of Walter glistened
Like his instruments laid bare.
I turned to make my exit
But “Sit you down!” he cried,
And forced me to be seated
And open my mouth wide.
“You’ve come to hear my story,”
The manic doc began.
“No, no,” I said, “my tooth hurts
I’m not a listening man.”
“Like you, I was a hunter.
I used to take my gun
Or better still my crossbow
And kill things just for fun.
Black bears in Wisconsin,
Big elks in Californ’
Many a tusk and rhino head
My cabin walls adorn.”
“Not me,” I said in panic,
“I never shoot things dead.
To hunt my kind of trophy
You use a lens instead.”
The dentist seized my shoulder
His face was racked with pain.
“If only I had lived like you
A life without a stain.
“I came to Bulawayo
And asked a local guide
To help me kill a lion
And take its head and hide.”
“A full-grown lion will cost you,”
The guide said, “counting trucks,
Tracking and all expenses,
Around fifty thousand bucks.”
“Done,” I said, and we left at dusk
To track our noble beast
With flowing mane and flashing eyes,
Four hundred pounds at least.
“Stop!” said I in the dentist’s chair
“I do not want to hear
The outcome of your dreadful tale.”
My heart was gripped with fear.
He held me with his glittering eye.
“We left at dusk,” he said.
To lure the lion with our bait –
An elephant, quite dead.
The noblest lion of them all
Lived in Hwange Park
Even Noah would have chosen him
To sail inside his ark.
This lion, known as Cecil,
Was famed in many a land
And tracked by conservationists
By means of his neck band.
Our Cecil sniffed the darkling air
And smelled the rotting meat.
He left the safety of the park
His mind set on a treat.
We waited there with bated breath
Night goggles at the ready.
I saw him at one hundred yards
And tried my aim to steady.
Locked in the dental chair I yelled:
“Find another shoulder to cry on.
Why lookst thou so?”
“With my crossbow
I shot the noble lion.
The wounded lion slunk away
My shot had failed to kill.
We tracked him down and fired again
Until the beast lay still.”
The ailing dentist sobbed aloud:
“The dreadful deed was done.
Of all the lions in the world
I had to shoot that one.
For Cecil was a famous lion
Well known to every scholar
At Oxford’s Wildlife faculty
Who’d given him his collar.
The public outcry was immense
From Kathmandu to Georgia.
In Minnesota, my home town,
They threatened me with torture.
It seemed my crime was more severe
Than simple human error,
A contravention that’s akin
To genocide or terror.
An extradition order came
The verdict, reached in time,
Required me to ply my trade,
At the scene of my dreadful crime.
So now I’m bound to spend my days
Within these narrow walls,
And to relate my awful tale
To anyone who calls.”
I slipped out of the dental chair
Now Walter’s tale was done.
I wouldn’t call it dental care,
But my toothache was quite gone.
©David Shirreff 2015
An early warning

“Be quite sure when you go looking for a lion, that you really want to find one.”
PUNCH, August 29th 1900

VULKAN a new thriller by David Shirreff